I'm in shock and speechless..
I get that I'm writing, but I'm truly at a loss. I've just woken up to find a post on facebook from my friend Gary's wife that he passed away this morning. Her and I became facebook friends this past week while Gary was in ICU.
Gary was diagnosed with Peripheral T-cell Lymphoma, lives in florida, with a 2 year old son Mikey and a smart, funny, beautiful supportive wife Samantha.
I met Gary through Twitter. aka Gary my Lymphoma Twitter Buddy.
On May 5th, I got a call from my Surgeon with the full results of my biopsy, and a definition of exactly what type of Lymphoma I have. That evening I went online searching like a bandit for as much information on B Cell/Follicular Lymphoma I could find. From wikipedia and WebMD to lymphomanation. Searching for answers like it was the night before a term paper was due. I wanted an A in Lymphoma 101.
I read and bookmarked tons of medical jargon. Then continued my searches on Facebook and Twitter for support groups and meeting fellow cancer patients. I did a search on Twitter... tons of tweets from patients to organizations came up..but the very first tweet at exactly the same time as I did my search was this:
MrPixar
Doctor: you have lymphoma.
Me: what tha....?
Doctor:yeah :-(
Me: wow life's fair.
9:28 PM May 5th, 2009 from Tweetie
I saw this tweet and knew this was a person I could talk to. I sent a tweet to @MrPixar ..he replied.
MrPixar
@jenlew hi. Nice to meet u. Sorry under these cicumstances. How are you doing with it? I am still "digesting" 3:49 PM May 6th, 2009 from Tweetie in reply to jenlew
Within days Gary and I were tweeting a couple times a day, keeping it light with our sense of humor a part of almost every conversation.
@jenlew I think my tcells could really kick your bcells' asses. With all due respect of course. Love ya ;) 9:49 PM May 28th, 2009 from Twitterrific in reply to jenlew
Then as the shit got deeper we switched to twitter email, then private email, and then it evolved to our savior Instant Messenger.
In real time, back n' forth we had each other to bounce the incessant amounts of information coming at us like a freight train. Every ounce of fear, and positivity muddled in short sentences and quick blasts - furiously cursing and expressing ourselves for hours at a time..all day via instant messenger while at work. Complete strangers, but for that time our biggest support systems.
If one of us had a Dr.'s visit, scan or interaction with someone ...we understood completely. We would say often .."I'm glad you "get" what I'm talking about or .. eh.. this sucks I know at least "you get it".
Gary was told he was starting chemo about a month before I did. We were IM'ing all the time, before his first treatment. I like to think I helped him as the days/hours grew closer. It was just so scary...we read about all the side effects and possible outcomes of treatment. He got through it all like a champ and was there for me when my time came.
When I was told by my first oncologist that Watch n' Wait was a recommended course of 'treatment'... I was confused and frustrated and a total mess. I was very uncomfortable with this guy as my oncologist and Gary thought the guy was an ass.
When I got a 2nd opinion and met my current oncologist and was told I was to start chemo, I was crushed, terrified...and relieved. I texted Gary after leaving the appointment at Sloan. Gary totally 'got it'...and his words were the perfect support.
Gary and I talked a lot about our treatment options.. It was all so confusing..but easier to manage with his support.
Gary was my blog influence .. he had his blog before his diagnosis and bit by bit he blogged more about his cancer experiences. Now it's a full on T-cell Lymphoma chart of his journey. (here's a post he wrote early on about our friendship and dealing with situations).
I took his cue and began my blog. At first I thought it would be private..but he and I talked a lot about being open and sharing our experiences with everyone. I was impressed by his openness and freedom to talk about whatever was on his mind. We were definitely kindred spirits in that way. I'm not sure I would have had the balls to make my blog visible, rock my bald head or even talk about my Lymphoma on facebook if it weren't for him. Here's an example of his encouraging words.
MrPixar
@jenlew such language! A woman after my own heart. Now get fucking typing goddamnit shit fuck ;) with love.... 9:18 AM May 11th, 2009 from Twitterrific in reply to jenlew
Gary's chemo ended up being far more intense than mine, he had a shit storm of debilitating side effects and a constant bombardment of new treatments because of them. Plus, to top it all off..he and his wife flew from Florida to NIH in Maryland every other week for his treatments. His entire life was interrupted.
It was huge to have Gary during that time in the beginning..and I've missed getting to talk to him. Our Instant Messaging conversations ended once the hell of chemo began. For both of us our brains just didn't click into gear like before. I've always been able to chat online, talk on the phone and listen to conversations around me all at the same time. Throughout chemo and sadly still... my multi-tasking is just not what it used to be. Gary had the same issues. Plus, his neuropothy in his hands was starting to really bother him. As the past few months went by, we tried talking on the phone a few times, but I didn't want to burden him with my stuff.. and I think he felt the same.
We relied mostly on facebook and blog updates with a few text messages now and again...cheering each other on.
A few weeks after his chemo ended and I was in my 5th treatment, we agreed that when my chemo was over we'd talk more. My chemo ended and then he took a turn for the worse and had brutal side effects from his last treatment.
The past few weeks Gary's updates have been filled with high's and low's. The joy of Christmas with his son.. then mentions of complications with his last treatment. Then last week Sam, Gary's wife friend-ed me on facebook. Her updates were alerting everyone that Gary was in ICU and his oygen levels were bad. He needed platelettes and things weren't good. ... I never in a million years would have thought that he would die from all of this (at least not so soon). We planned to battle this fucked up mess of a situation.. for years to come. We talked about him and his family coming to NY staying with me and doing fun stuff on the North Fork and NYC... and me coming to visit them and going to Disney World together.
Selfishly, I will never really get to know him and I can't help but wonder how this is going to effect me and the way I process my own shit storm of treatments ahead. We both thought that once this leg of the journey was over... we'd have plenty of time to chat again and share our war stories. I wish I had him to talk to..
MrPixar
we'll just have to stick together I guess. Yes, this sucks big swamp ass but what can we do at this point? Either fight it, or don't and die
7:09 PM May 18th, 2009
Gary was a fighter. He made tough decisions when it came to his treatment, always believing that he had to live and would endure whatever they poked, prodded or chemically juiced him up with. When his spirits were low he tried with all his might to be positive..and when he couldn't be positive for himself, he'd say "i'm here for you kid" ..."whenever you want to talk". Transferring his strength to me.
I have no idea how to end this post... I don't want to stop thinking of him and I feel like when I stop typing I will forget .... although I am reassured to know that I will always have his blog, facebook and twitter pages to refer to. This odd and wonderful new technology that brought us together gives us a bevvy of conversations to re-read again and again. We never met in person.. but he was great friend.
Gary Zullo
2.25.76 - 1.1.10
1.01.2010
12.27.2009
results..all good.
Results day December 23rd.
I knew that at this stage of the game, I didn't want Zevelin.
Unless my scans proved to be shitty, Zevelin as far as I'm concerned, is my first Hail Mary. It can only be given once, because it screws up your bone marrow. Plus, the side effects are heavy.
I was hoping he'd say that I'd be in watch n' wait ... I'm a sucker for procrastinating and that seemed to be the best protocol.
Alas, I got door number two. I'll have to go on Rituxin maintenance. So every 8 weeks for the next 2 years. I'll have to go to Sloan and still get the one chemo drug. Blech!
It was a nerve wracking week or more waiting for the results. I was supposed to come into the city the night before but just couldn't wrap my mind around having fun and being around people so I stayed home in bed. As usual I took the morning jitney into the city.
Ali is away, so this time Sharon met up with Mom and I at Sloan.
After meeting with the Oncologist we had a delicious dinner at Four Seasons and then I hung out with Sage & Emma at the Blocks. Nothing like a delicious dinner with my mom and sister, then spending time with my nieces to get my mind off reality. I'm lucky to have them around.
Rituximab Maintenance has been standard procedure post R-CHOP chemotherapy for the past few years. Rituxin is the R of the R-CHOP chemo.
They say, two years of maintenance therapy with rituximab dramatically improves the chances of survival for patients suffering from one of the most frequent forms of lymphoma, indolent non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NHL).
Certainly not the worst news a cancer patient can hear.. and I've heard Rituxin isn't that difficult to bear and the side effects aren't that bad.
But, it still sucks all the same. The thought of this damn port staying in me another two years, and having to go back to Sloan as a reminder that I do have cancer is just a total pain in the ass.
But again... it's also awesome. The out come of the scans could be far worse.
I'm lucky, happy and feeling pretty good. As soon as my hair grows back I'll look as good as I feel.
My results are good, chemo is definitely working!! YAY!
The results of the scans, were 1 of 3 alternatives: watch & wait, Rituxin, or Zevelin.I knew that at this stage of the game, I didn't want Zevelin.
Unless my scans proved to be shitty, Zevelin as far as I'm concerned, is my first Hail Mary. It can only be given once, because it screws up your bone marrow. Plus, the side effects are heavy.
I was hoping he'd say that I'd be in watch n' wait ... I'm a sucker for procrastinating and that seemed to be the best protocol.
Alas, I got door number two. I'll have to go on Rituxin maintenance. So every 8 weeks for the next 2 years. I'll have to go to Sloan and still get the one chemo drug. Blech!
It was a nerve wracking week or more waiting for the results. I was supposed to come into the city the night before but just couldn't wrap my mind around having fun and being around people so I stayed home in bed. As usual I took the morning jitney into the city.
Ali is away, so this time Sharon met up with Mom and I at Sloan.
After meeting with the Oncologist we had a delicious dinner at Four Seasons and then I hung out with Sage & Emma at the Blocks. Nothing like a delicious dinner with my mom and sister, then spending time with my nieces to get my mind off reality. I'm lucky to have them around.
Rituximab Maintenance has been standard procedure post R-CHOP chemotherapy for the past few years. Rituxin is the R of the R-CHOP chemo.
They say, two years of maintenance therapy with rituximab dramatically improves the chances of survival for patients suffering from one of the most frequent forms of lymphoma, indolent non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NHL).
Certainly not the worst news a cancer patient can hear.. and I've heard Rituxin isn't that difficult to bear and the side effects aren't that bad.
But, it still sucks all the same. The thought of this damn port staying in me another two years, and having to go back to Sloan as a reminder that I do have cancer is just a total pain in the ass.
But again... it's also awesome. The out come of the scans could be far worse.
I'm lucky, happy and feeling pretty good. As soon as my hair grows back I'll look as good as I feel.
Scans man scans
Scan day - Dec. 15
I scheduled the scans for Tuesday 15th because I had a board meeting on Monday 14th ..so I came into the city Sunday 13th. I had my first feeling good and normal days in the city for months. I got to stay at Ali's new apartment and not feel like crap... it was a great couple of days.
Sunday night I arrived to the city in the pouring rain. The jitney left me off a few blocks from Ali's apartment..but it felt like miles in the down pour. I was wearing the wrong coat, forgot an umbrella and had all sorts of bags - work, computer, luggage and a birthday gift for sage. I arrived to Ali's apartment like a drowned rat. Fixed myself up and got into a cab to see the Blocks and give Sage her Birthday present. I had dinner and hung out with them and then went back to Ali's.
I had breakfast with Lynn the following morning.. then went to the board meeting. Full of energy and still going strong I gathered up friends; Joanna, Lynn, Lisa and Alison for dinner and drinks at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central. We had cocktails and great food and not once did I feel like I wanted to pass out or ponder sitting on the couches nearby. I sat in a stool the entire time. Whoo hoo.
My first real cocktails in months.. I felt great.
The next morning was Scan Day. Ali and I woke up on time for my appointment..for now on I will try to stay in the city the morning before appointments. We got ready and Ali sweetly asked if I would like some coffee.. I said sure. Then she kindly asked if I wanted a banana. I said sure. While waiting for the elevator Ali asked if I wanted a cookie.. I said sure. We hopped on the subway and were at my appointment within 15 minutes. 8:00am ..right on time.
As I started filling out my paper work I realized. I don't think I should have eaten?
"Ali.. I think was supposed to not eat at least 6 hours before my scans" Ali looked at me partly with fear.. and partly like I'm a complete idiot.
I let the fantastic nurses at the check in area, know of my stupidity.. they looked at me like I was a moron and said I probably will have to come back another day. But somehow, I made them laugh and mentioned that I live 2 hours out of the city and if they could get me in today it would be great. After waiting a while .. they squeezed me into the schedule for 12:30 if I pass the glucose test.
Ali and I then had 4 hours to kill. It was a Tuesday so museums were closed. I wasn't allowed to eat.. so for a while we were stymied with what to do at 8:30am on the upper east side. Ali suggested pedicures. It was the most brilliant suggestion ever. Directly accross the street was a good looking, clean, big nail salon. We spent 3 hours getting spa pedicures and then back massages. It was a lovely way to spend a morning.
At 12, we went back up for my glucose test, I passed. The scans were uneventful. Completely different from the previous two times. My first PET scan experience was a nightmare. The second .. just miserable. This time.. it was fine. The place is clean and comfortable and brand spanking new. The nurses and staff couldn't be more kind, and I feel secure that they know what the hell they're doing. Plus, the scan machine does both the CT & PET scans at the same time.. a major technological innovation as far as I'm concerned. Yay..technology!
The procedure happens like this:
First, you drink the red contrast solution. It's certainly not my beverage of choice but it's not bad at all, they mix it with crystal light so it tastes pretty much like..crystal light. You just have to drink a lot of it...which in turn makes you pee a lot. Then they inject you... (for me I get injected into my port) with radioactive antibodies. This tends to make me feel very light headed and I get those flashing light things in my eyes. All the symptoms of getting a migraine..but I don't get the migraine and now I'm so used to it all that I don't get freaked out. So that's a plus. It's strange knowing that you are radioactive and being told not to go near pregnant women, airplanes, buildings with radioactive security, and small animals or children is daunting..but you gotta do what you gotta do.
After the injection, you sit in a closed room for about an hour and half.. drinking the solution and letting the I V of radioactive shit seep into your body.
Then they take you in the very cold scan room, you lie down.. and for about an hour you slide into a tube and get scanned. I tend to freak out a little bit for this part. I was never claustrophobic before.. but now.. sliding into the scan tube totally freaks me out. I am able to calm myself down, but I know now that it has to be on my time when I'm ready to get slid in there. Knowing that if I stop the scans in middle, they have to start all over ..is what keeps me inside.
This time in the tube, I hummed the song Brandy over and over.
With my eyes closed, quietly I sang and thought hard about getting out of that tube - it was like this...♫♫♪♫ brandy is a fine girl what a good wife she would be♫♫♪♫..when will this be over...how long has it been at least 7 minutes ..I open my eyes and look at the timer 45 seconds have gone by..I close my eyes ..♫♫♪she walks through a silent town and loves a man♫♫♪♫... ok atleast 5 minutes past it has to be over soon... I look at the timer.. 60 seconds have gone by and still 17 minutes left. What got me through the next 17 minutes was thinking about the night Julie and I drove Kim's old MG from Hollywood to Santa Monica along Sunset Blvd. singing (screaming) Brandy at the top of our lungs.
Finally, the scans are over. I'm not to queezy. Not feeling great.. but not awful at all. Certainly not like the first time I had a PET Scan. Ali and I go for lunch at the Italian restaurant accross the street. The food was delicious. We share two pasta dishes and a salad. We couldn't' be happier. It's now 4:30p I'm feeling ok, and we've got the rest of the day.. it feels like a vacation.
We've both got places we want to go and amazingly they are just blocks from each other. It's comfortable weather for mid December so we walk across town to Rockefeller Center. Ali needs a bag at the Museum of Modern Art store we take our time throughout the store and look at everything, I'm feeling pretty good. Ali get's her bag and then we walk to Anthropologie.
We tolerate the crowds outside and check out the Christmas tree and ice skaters in Rockefeller plaza. My favorite store and it's in 30 Rock, we thought about going to "top of the rock" but gladly decided not to. We submerge into the fantastic, eclectic, inspiring, decor of Anthropoligie. My spirit is ignited and we wander around the store. After a half hour in the store, I'm beat. The excitement of being in Anthropologie combined with exhaustion, heat and battling holiday shoppers and tourists, I feel like I'm about to pass out.
Miraculously, I find an empty chair just outside the clearance section and sit, while Ali dips in/out of the clearance room filled with clothes. She dives in..picks out some things and emerges with stuff for both of us. I can see into the room..so I'll direct her "Ali the white sweater hanging on the top right see if they have my size" she emerges with the sweater. She's awesome! We try them on.. then she dives back into the packed room again.. I can't tell if there are more clothes or women in that room.
I get a 2nd wind, and we make it up stairs to the long check out line...we're done. The day was great but I am extremely tired. We get out of the building, hop into a cab and discussing dinner the whole way. We're not back into the apartment 10 minutes before we are both in pajamas. Neither of us could think of cooking. I could have fallen a sleep as soon as I walked in the door... it was only 7:30p ..and Lynn was coming over at 9:30p ..so we stayed awake. Lynn brought over ice cream (a delicious and fine dinner) we chatted and then I passed out.
Scan day.. turned out to be one of the most relaxing and fun day's with my sister ever.. with icky scan's slipped in the middle.
I scheduled the scans for Tuesday 15th because I had a board meeting on Monday 14th ..so I came into the city Sunday 13th. I had my first feeling good and normal days in the city for months. I got to stay at Ali's new apartment and not feel like crap... it was a great couple of days.
Sunday night I arrived to the city in the pouring rain. The jitney left me off a few blocks from Ali's apartment..but it felt like miles in the down pour. I was wearing the wrong coat, forgot an umbrella and had all sorts of bags - work, computer, luggage and a birthday gift for sage. I arrived to Ali's apartment like a drowned rat. Fixed myself up and got into a cab to see the Blocks and give Sage her Birthday present. I had dinner and hung out with them and then went back to Ali's.
I had breakfast with Lynn the following morning.. then went to the board meeting. Full of energy and still going strong I gathered up friends; Joanna, Lynn, Lisa and Alison for dinner and drinks at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central. We had cocktails and great food and not once did I feel like I wanted to pass out or ponder sitting on the couches nearby. I sat in a stool the entire time. Whoo hoo.
My first real cocktails in months.. I felt great.
The next morning was Scan Day. Ali and I woke up on time for my appointment..for now on I will try to stay in the city the morning before appointments. We got ready and Ali sweetly asked if I would like some coffee.. I said sure. Then she kindly asked if I wanted a banana. I said sure. While waiting for the elevator Ali asked if I wanted a cookie.. I said sure. We hopped on the subway and were at my appointment within 15 minutes. 8:00am ..right on time.
As I started filling out my paper work I realized. I don't think I should have eaten?
"Ali.. I think was supposed to not eat at least 6 hours before my scans" Ali looked at me partly with fear.. and partly like I'm a complete idiot.
I let the fantastic nurses at the check in area, know of my stupidity.. they looked at me like I was a moron and said I probably will have to come back another day. But somehow, I made them laugh and mentioned that I live 2 hours out of the city and if they could get me in today it would be great. After waiting a while .. they squeezed me into the schedule for 12:30 if I pass the glucose test.
Ali and I then had 4 hours to kill. It was a Tuesday so museums were closed. I wasn't allowed to eat.. so for a while we were stymied with what to do at 8:30am on the upper east side. Ali suggested pedicures. It was the most brilliant suggestion ever. Directly accross the street was a good looking, clean, big nail salon. We spent 3 hours getting spa pedicures and then back massages. It was a lovely way to spend a morning.
At 12, we went back up for my glucose test, I passed. The scans were uneventful. Completely different from the previous two times. My first PET scan experience was a nightmare. The second .. just miserable. This time.. it was fine. The place is clean and comfortable and brand spanking new. The nurses and staff couldn't be more kind, and I feel secure that they know what the hell they're doing. Plus, the scan machine does both the CT & PET scans at the same time.. a major technological innovation as far as I'm concerned. Yay..technology!
The procedure happens like this:
First, you drink the red contrast solution. It's certainly not my beverage of choice but it's not bad at all, they mix it with crystal light so it tastes pretty much like..crystal light. You just have to drink a lot of it...which in turn makes you pee a lot. Then they inject you... (for me I get injected into my port) with radioactive antibodies. This tends to make me feel very light headed and I get those flashing light things in my eyes. All the symptoms of getting a migraine..but I don't get the migraine and now I'm so used to it all that I don't get freaked out. So that's a plus. It's strange knowing that you are radioactive and being told not to go near pregnant women, airplanes, buildings with radioactive security, and small animals or children is daunting..but you gotta do what you gotta do.
After the injection, you sit in a closed room for about an hour and half.. drinking the solution and letting the I V of radioactive shit seep into your body.
Then they take you in the very cold scan room, you lie down.. and for about an hour you slide into a tube and get scanned. I tend to freak out a little bit for this part. I was never claustrophobic before.. but now.. sliding into the scan tube totally freaks me out. I am able to calm myself down, but I know now that it has to be on my time when I'm ready to get slid in there. Knowing that if I stop the scans in middle, they have to start all over ..is what keeps me inside.
This time in the tube, I hummed the song Brandy over and over.
With my eyes closed, quietly I sang and thought hard about getting out of that tube - it was like this...♫♫♪♫ brandy is a fine girl what a good wife she would be♫♫♪♫..when will this be over...how long has it been at least 7 minutes ..I open my eyes and look at the timer 45 seconds have gone by..I close my eyes ..♫♫♪she walks through a silent town and loves a man♫♫♪♫... ok atleast 5 minutes past it has to be over soon... I look at the timer.. 60 seconds have gone by and still 17 minutes left. What got me through the next 17 minutes was thinking about the night Julie and I drove Kim's old MG from Hollywood to Santa Monica along Sunset Blvd. singing (screaming) Brandy at the top of our lungs.
Finally, the scans are over. I'm not to queezy. Not feeling great.. but not awful at all. Certainly not like the first time I had a PET Scan. Ali and I go for lunch at the Italian restaurant accross the street. The food was delicious. We share two pasta dishes and a salad. We couldn't' be happier. It's now 4:30p I'm feeling ok, and we've got the rest of the day.. it feels like a vacation.
We've both got places we want to go and amazingly they are just blocks from each other. It's comfortable weather for mid December so we walk across town to Rockefeller Center. Ali needs a bag at the Museum of Modern Art store we take our time throughout the store and look at everything, I'm feeling pretty good. Ali get's her bag and then we walk to Anthropologie.
We tolerate the crowds outside and check out the Christmas tree and ice skaters in Rockefeller plaza. My favorite store and it's in 30 Rock, we thought about going to "top of the rock" but gladly decided not to. We submerge into the fantastic, eclectic, inspiring, decor of Anthropoligie. My spirit is ignited and we wander around the store. After a half hour in the store, I'm beat. The excitement of being in Anthropologie combined with exhaustion, heat and battling holiday shoppers and tourists, I feel like I'm about to pass out.
Miraculously, I find an empty chair just outside the clearance section and sit, while Ali dips in/out of the clearance room filled with clothes. She dives in..picks out some things and emerges with stuff for both of us. I can see into the room..so I'll direct her "Ali the white sweater hanging on the top right see if they have my size" she emerges with the sweater. She's awesome! We try them on.. then she dives back into the packed room again.. I can't tell if there are more clothes or women in that room.
I get a 2nd wind, and we make it up stairs to the long check out line...we're done. The day was great but I am extremely tired. We get out of the building, hop into a cab and discussing dinner the whole way. We're not back into the apartment 10 minutes before we are both in pajamas. Neither of us could think of cooking. I could have fallen a sleep as soon as I walked in the door... it was only 7:30p ..and Lynn was coming over at 9:30p ..so we stayed awake. Lynn brought over ice cream (a delicious and fine dinner) we chatted and then I passed out.
Scan day.. turned out to be one of the most relaxing and fun day's with my sister ever.. with icky scan's slipped in the middle.
Hello
Hello my little blogosphere... I've taken a break from writing the past few weeks.
At first it was to collect my thoughts about the end of chemo. Then I didn't know what to say or where to focus. Then it evolved into avoidance and procrastination... I'm pretty sure I just haven't wanted to think about 'cancer' or anything having to do with it ... and then.. it was holiday time and time has been an issue.
To wrap up the past few weeks.. I had my last chemo treatment on Nov. 19. It went on without any new symptoms or difficulties ..except for intense hot flashes and major tiredness and discomfort.
The side effects carried on during all the Thanksgiving hub bub and I am thankful my family was around me and we had a lovely Thanksgiving. I spent much of it reclined.. but it was wonderful to have everyone together.
Next was my Birthday and party hub bub... and even with extreme exhaustion I pushed myself and had a fantastic time. Sadly, my brother in law's father took a turn and they weren't around for the party ...but I had a super fun birthday. The best in years.
Before I knew it, it was December and the looming date of Dec. 15 hung over my head as I awaited my next PET Scan and CT Scan to determine my well being. I started feeling much better and 'normal' by the time scan day came around.. I had almost forgotten I had cancer.
If it weren't for my bald head, lack of eyebrows and strange random fatigue. You would never know the torture I had endured over the past 6 months. It all seems like a bad dream now.
Scan day was fine... but a post unto itself...
At first it was to collect my thoughts about the end of chemo. Then I didn't know what to say or where to focus. Then it evolved into avoidance and procrastination... I'm pretty sure I just haven't wanted to think about 'cancer' or anything having to do with it ... and then.. it was holiday time and time has been an issue.
To wrap up the past few weeks.. I had my last chemo treatment on Nov. 19. It went on without any new symptoms or difficulties ..except for intense hot flashes and major tiredness and discomfort.
The side effects carried on during all the Thanksgiving hub bub and I am thankful my family was around me and we had a lovely Thanksgiving. I spent much of it reclined.. but it was wonderful to have everyone together.
Next was my Birthday and party hub bub... and even with extreme exhaustion I pushed myself and had a fantastic time. Sadly, my brother in law's father took a turn and they weren't around for the party ...but I had a super fun birthday. The best in years.
Before I knew it, it was December and the looming date of Dec. 15 hung over my head as I awaited my next PET Scan and CT Scan to determine my well being. I started feeling much better and 'normal' by the time scan day came around.. I had almost forgotten I had cancer.
If it weren't for my bald head, lack of eyebrows and strange random fatigue. You would never know the torture I had endured over the past 6 months. It all seems like a bad dream now.
Scan day was fine... but a post unto itself...
12.06.2009
feeling hot hot hot
I must admit that when a woman complained of a hot flash before, I wasn't the most compassionate. It's a difficult situation to register if you've never experienced it. But I am here to tell you that the next time the lady on line at the bank, your aunt, or someone you see on the bus is wearing a tank top and sweating while it's 40 degrees out .. give that woman a knowing look of love just as if she's told you her computer crashed or she's got a horrible tooth ache.
Hot Flashes, while not the worst thing in the world ...just suck. They are uncomfortable, unbearable, confusing, distracting, consuming, intrusions.
I've been having my bouts with them throughout the past few months. What began as an irritation in my sleep, are now waves of heat coming over me a few times a day.
Hot Flashes, while not the worst thing in the world ...just suck. They are uncomfortable, unbearable, confusing, distracting, consuming, intrusions.
I've been having my bouts with them throughout the past few months. What began as an irritation in my sleep, are now waves of heat coming over me a few times a day.
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