it's my birthday
it's my birthday
it's my birthday
yay. cake.
11.28.2009
11.26.2009
like a splinter
the chemo is suppusodedly working. I know this becaue I was told by my highly acclaimed Oncologist. I know this because he said the pain that I had in my ribs a few weeks a go was the chemo working to eat away at the cancer. The pain is my bones deteriorating to then be regenerated.
Today, my back hurts. Not like a normal hurt when you have a bad bed. That's a pain I've been feeling for months. This is the same pain I had in my ribs. Various spots along my spine, shoulders and lower back are like hot spots of pain. It hurts.
My first thought is to rub it out like a normal back pain.. but the thought of rubbing it makes me think that somehow in my kookyness ... I will rub the cancer around and it will find someplace else to hurt me.
So to me it's like a splinter, it's annoying. You want to take it out.. but it hurts more after you fuss with it and finally get that little piece of wood out of your skin.
Today, my back hurts. Not like a normal hurt when you have a bad bed. That's a pain I've been feeling for months. This is the same pain I had in my ribs. Various spots along my spine, shoulders and lower back are like hot spots of pain. It hurts.
My first thought is to rub it out like a normal back pain.. but the thought of rubbing it makes me think that somehow in my kookyness ... I will rub the cancer around and it will find someplace else to hurt me.
So to me it's like a splinter, it's annoying. You want to take it out.. but it hurts more after you fuss with it and finally get that little piece of wood out of your skin.
11.21.2009
whats next?
I had hoped this next post would be a light and happy one. But sorry folks.
Phase 1: R-CHOP chemotherapy is over. I am relieved and thankful...that's good news.
However, I learned that contrary to what I was told on my 4th chemo visit... the 3 month reprieve from tests, scans and oncologist visits is now only 1 month.
Then Phase 2 will commence.
Which includes 3 options:
It is silly to think that at 42 the odds would be great, but I did have hope. Those hopes now being dashed have made me pretty sad. I don't regret my life's decisions or choices. They were right. I believe things are as they are meant to be ... I truly don't regret much as I sit here and reassess my life. But the cold reality that I had been given opportunity and chose another path for myself -- if I had known then ..what I know now. I wonder what choices I would have made. When this ball of cancer shit all began I thought about freezing some eggs..just in case. I didn't do it. That was a conscious choice.
Phase 1: R-CHOP chemotherapy is over. I am relieved and thankful...that's good news.
However, I learned that contrary to what I was told on my 4th chemo visit... the 3 month reprieve from tests, scans and oncologist visits is now only 1 month.
Then Phase 2 will commence.
Which includes 3 options:
1. Watch n' Wait - a standard protocol of waiting to see when the shoe drops an we do nothing.
2. Rituximab maintenance: This single agent chemo is the new thing (since 1996) that is supposed to reduce, or halt for a time (5-7 years) following R-CHOP treatment. However, in most cases the cancer comes back, and may or may not be treated again. This would be given every 3 weeks for potentially the next 2 years.
3. Radioimmunotherapy = Zevalin: This is a one time, 2 course treatment that is a slightly radioactive anitbody. From what I've read this is a much newer (2004) option... so outcome does not seem to be known as well, trials prove very positive though.
It's all up to the Oncologist.
The next lovely news I heard before my final chemotherapy uncomfortableness was.. the hot flashes and night sweats are now not just reactions to the meds but I'm in full blown menapause. Not the best birthday present just a week before turning 42. I knew this was a possibility ...that the chemo would cause this to happen as a permanent side affect. I'm sure there's more to come in terms of inner destruction and ciaos that I should be prepared for... but learning the reality that I will definitely not be having children is a heavy heavy blow.
It is silly to think that at 42 the odds would be great, but I did have hope. Those hopes now being dashed have made me pretty sad. I don't regret my life's decisions or choices. They were right. I believe things are as they are meant to be ... I truly don't regret much as I sit here and reassess my life. But the cold reality that I had been given opportunity and chose another path for myself -- if I had known then ..what I know now. I wonder what choices I would have made. When this ball of cancer shit all began I thought about freezing some eggs..just in case. I didn't do it. That was a conscious choice.
I always knew that I wanted children from love, not from need or a want. I never had the desire to have kids from some selfish want. I wanted to do it with a partner and raise a mighty fine person to do good and be something in the world. If I didn't have the foundation for that.. I didn't want the responsibility. Alas, that foundation has not been built for various reasons.. and now. I have cancer and the door is closed. I thought I'd be a good mom, I have always wanted kids. I just didn't want to do it because that's what you are supposed to do. I wanted to do it because it was right. Now knowing that there is the potential for me having a shorter life.. I like to look at it, that I made some good decisions without knowing why.
Who knows what's next. Phase 1 of this shit ass journey is over.
Dec. 23 the Oncologist will tell me all about phase 2.
Dec. 23 the Oncologist will tell me all about phase 2.
11.09.2009
sweats, shakes and shivers
I had a great weekend. I felt good, I had no plans and I had the desire to do what I love...be alone and putter around the house.
The shakes, sweats and shivers were getting farther a part. I'd do a task then rest.
Hang some pictures.
Sit and watch Food Network.
Rearrange the living room furniture.
Watch 30 Rock.
Clean a toilet.
Check my email.
Bring in the plants .. herbs are nestled in fresh pots on the kitchen counter.
Lay down with the laptop.
Almost none of my outlets have covers on them. Before painting each room, I took them off and threw them away. The outlets and switches have been bare and exposed ever since. I've gotten used to hearing.. "you should really cover those, it's dangerous". Well, you may all rest easier.. most of them are now covered.
Facebook.
For two days... this to me is heaven. Do something. Sit and do almost nothing. Repeat.
Sweep the deck.
Sit on the couch, watch SNL.
Go for a walk with Linda Pasca (the first time I'd left the house in 10 days).
Watch Donut Paradise.
Today is Monday, this morning I woke up from 6 hours of sleep. I was up at 5a.. but it was the best sleep I'd had in weeks. Finally a cup of coffee, a shower and time in my studio.
First time in the studio in a month... I'm very behind and testing the patience of clients and customers. It felt good to get work done and be in my space for 2 hours.
I was at LLK by 8:45a and then work by 9:30a. I was feeling ok, and thought sitting at my desk would be fine. I was completely shocked when at 1p my body started shaking and shivering. I thought the bad stuff had ended. I was feeling good all weekend. I'd do something sit down.. and be able to get up again.
Sitting at my desk working on the computer and talking to Angela and Judy seemed mellow enough, but my body had enough. I couldn't concentrate or focus on anything and it really is pissing me off.
I was home, in bed with 1/2 a xanax by 4pm. It's now 7:45p and I feel exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
The shakes, sweats and shivers were getting farther a part. I'd do a task then rest.
Hang some pictures.
Sit and watch Food Network.
Rearrange the living room furniture.
Watch 30 Rock.
Clean a toilet.
Check my email.
Bring in the plants .. herbs are nestled in fresh pots on the kitchen counter.
Lay down with the laptop.
Almost none of my outlets have covers on them. Before painting each room, I took them off and threw them away. The outlets and switches have been bare and exposed ever since. I've gotten used to hearing.. "you should really cover those, it's dangerous". Well, you may all rest easier.. most of them are now covered.
Facebook.
For two days... this to me is heaven. Do something. Sit and do almost nothing. Repeat.
Sweep the deck.
Sit on the couch, watch SNL.
Go for a walk with Linda Pasca (the first time I'd left the house in 10 days).
Watch Donut Paradise.
Today is Monday, this morning I woke up from 6 hours of sleep. I was up at 5a.. but it was the best sleep I'd had in weeks. Finally a cup of coffee, a shower and time in my studio.
First time in the studio in a month... I'm very behind and testing the patience of clients and customers. It felt good to get work done and be in my space for 2 hours.
I was at LLK by 8:45a and then work by 9:30a. I was feeling ok, and thought sitting at my desk would be fine. I was completely shocked when at 1p my body started shaking and shivering. I thought the bad stuff had ended. I was feeling good all weekend. I'd do something sit down.. and be able to get up again.
Sitting at my desk working on the computer and talking to Angela and Judy seemed mellow enough, but my body had enough. I couldn't concentrate or focus on anything and it really is pissing me off.
I was home, in bed with 1/2 a xanax by 4pm. It's now 7:45p and I feel exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in. ...
-Michael Corleone
11.07.2009
mel gibson
The past week has been Hellacious. Awful. Terrible. Icky and if I am faced with the choice of having to go through chemo again... I'm not sure I can or will. I can't believe I have another treatment and have to endure this again.. and at the same time I'm happy there is only one treatment left to go.
During this intense week, I thought of two life lessons learned from Mel Gibson.
I need to say first that I am not a fan of the Mel. I was suspect of him when I saw people picketing at the 23rd St. theater in Chelsea in 2006. Rumors were that he was a gay bashing numb nut. The next year, I heard from a "hollywood insider" he made derogatory comments about jews during a production meeting.
The following year. He worked with me on a film...(like the way I twisted that around there)
It was during the final weeks of filming The Patriot. It was raining and we were shooting a swamp scene. In a swamp. In the rain. And it was cold. I decided it was a perfect time to clean out an office my boss and I hardly used..and I'd just have to leave the set to go clean it.
Mel overheard me telling my boss where I was going and said something like "you picked a perfect day to HAVE to go clean out the office". I said in return "I'm not as dumb as you look". I laughed. He laughed. I Left the set and went on my merry way to clean out the office.
Hours later I came back to the set. Immediately Mel's assistant tells me that Mel is upset and insulted. He pretty much feels like I've called him stupid.
Holy Crap.. I've upset Mel Gibson!
(In my short film career..I dropped Tom Hank's coffee on him, insulted Mel Gibson and almost lost Cameron Diaz's dog..and those are the things I haven't blocked out)
As the day goes on, people keep coming up to me and saying "i hear you insulted Mel", "so what did you do to upset Mel?". My boss Bill approaches me and sits me down.. "So.. Mel's upset...what did you say"? I explain.. Bill goes back to set without saying much. I am left miserable, sad and contemplating what I will do with the rest of my life. My film career is now ruined because I was sarcastic to Mel Gibson.
The following night is the wrap party and I chose not to enjoy myself. I ruined, what should have been a super fun night by feeling bad.
The next day .. Mel apologized for playing a practical joke on me. He didn't think I'd feel so bad. Ha Ha very funny anti-semite.
The lesson Mel taught me.. Smile and have fun at a party no matter how bad you feel.
I guess I should have learned to not be so sarcastic and be more respectful. But that didn't stick. So... I am having a birthday party on Nov. 28th and no matter how bad I feel after chemo ..I'm going to have a fabulous time!
Thank you Mel.
The other lesson I learned from Mel and his kooky behavior is this. Your body reacts involuntarily to what it does or does not like.
It was a hot day on set and Mel went around asking people to make a fist and hold their arm up (kindof like a heil hitler. uhm...uh...) and say a food they like. He then went around and tried to push your arm down, while you named that food. It's difficult to push your arm down.
Then he tried it with saying a food you don't like. Your arm just flops down.
The lesson learned you ask? If I did this now and said "I don't like chemo". My arm could potentially drop so quickly it might fall off.
In closing.
I do not like Mel Gibson or Chemotherapy and I plan to have a blast at my birthday party!
One more round of chemo Nov. 19th!
During this intense week, I thought of two life lessons learned from Mel Gibson.
I need to say first that I am not a fan of the Mel. I was suspect of him when I saw people picketing at the 23rd St. theater in Chelsea in 2006. Rumors were that he was a gay bashing numb nut. The next year, I heard from a "hollywood insider" he made derogatory comments about jews during a production meeting.
The following year. He worked with me on a film...(like the way I twisted that around there)
It was during the final weeks of filming The Patriot. It was raining and we were shooting a swamp scene. In a swamp. In the rain. And it was cold. I decided it was a perfect time to clean out an office my boss and I hardly used..and I'd just have to leave the set to go clean it.
Mel overheard me telling my boss where I was going and said something like "you picked a perfect day to HAVE to go clean out the office". I said in return "I'm not as dumb as you look". I laughed. He laughed. I Left the set and went on my merry way to clean out the office.
Hours later I came back to the set. Immediately Mel's assistant tells me that Mel is upset and insulted. He pretty much feels like I've called him stupid.
Holy Crap.. I've upset Mel Gibson!
(In my short film career..I dropped Tom Hank's coffee on him, insulted Mel Gibson and almost lost Cameron Diaz's dog..and those are the things I haven't blocked out)
As the day goes on, people keep coming up to me and saying "i hear you insulted Mel", "so what did you do to upset Mel?". My boss Bill approaches me and sits me down.. "So.. Mel's upset...what did you say"? I explain.. Bill goes back to set without saying much. I am left miserable, sad and contemplating what I will do with the rest of my life. My film career is now ruined because I was sarcastic to Mel Gibson.
The following night is the wrap party and I chose not to enjoy myself. I ruined, what should have been a super fun night by feeling bad.
The next day .. Mel apologized for playing a practical joke on me. He didn't think I'd feel so bad. Ha Ha very funny anti-semite.
The lesson Mel taught me.. Smile and have fun at a party no matter how bad you feel.
I guess I should have learned to not be so sarcastic and be more respectful. But that didn't stick. So... I am having a birthday party on Nov. 28th and no matter how bad I feel after chemo ..I'm going to have a fabulous time!
Thank you Mel.
The other lesson I learned from Mel and his kooky behavior is this. Your body reacts involuntarily to what it does or does not like.
It was a hot day on set and Mel went around asking people to make a fist and hold their arm up (kindof like a heil hitler. uhm...uh...) and say a food they like. He then went around and tried to push your arm down, while you named that food. It's difficult to push your arm down.
Then he tried it with saying a food you don't like. Your arm just flops down.
The lesson learned you ask? If I did this now and said "I don't like chemo". My arm could potentially drop so quickly it might fall off.
In closing.
I do not like Mel Gibson or Chemotherapy and I plan to have a blast at my birthday party!
One more round of chemo Nov. 19th!
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