this thursday is the NoFo WN
My bandage fell off this morning. I can see the lump under my skin. The gash of a scar. Kim says it looks a bit like a mouth..she's right. The lump is round the slice looks like an awkward smile. I want a tattoo of two eyes but I'm far too chicken.
I don't know what to wear. But Ali had brought me over the perfect shirt of hers the other night. It hides the lump and is summery. I go to work.
I'm feeling better. I have a breakdown in the park outside work. One of those blows to the psychy..crap i really do have cancer and there really is a plastic weird lump under my skin where all these chemicals are going to be shot into me causing mayhem and destruction.
Carolyn pours me a short beer at Love Lane Kitchen. I go back to work.
Emily picks me up and we head to Corey Creek and set up for the event. I'm ok for the night. Things turn out beautifully thanks to Emily, Amy Finno and Matt with his pizza truck. I think a good time is had by all. A small turn out for us ..but a gorgeous night and an even more beautiful setting.
Again.. good friends, nice people and my sister make it worth the while to get out of the house and face the world.
Valve lump and all.. the port is weird. it's under my skin...But you can see it. Ali calls me valvalina...
7.30.2009
7.28.2009
Emma Lov Live! at the Bitter End.. she's 13
It's a warm summer Thursday night, it's raining a bit but my gorgeous niece is playing an adult gig of her very own. 8 songs, she wrote, plays guitar and piano and sings to 200 or more FANS. This is the first of many many many many many more shows ..that I will be able to see.
I had a huge white bandage on my neck and chest ...but wouldn't miss seeing her for all the world. I'm just so proud of the balls this little show stopping, jazz handed, spitfire, sensitive, beauty can muster.
The night had that twinge of gotta get these good moments in...who knows what the frick can happen. Emma was simply wonderful and my friends are fantastic.
I loved this night.
7.25.2009
holy crap i have cancer.
The trips to NYU Cancer Center and Sloan Kettering Memorial prove it. The rapidly acquiring bills for blood tests, Scans and Bone Marrow Biopsy prove it. The nasty secretary and oncologist at NYU CC prove it. The horrendous experience of a PET Scan at NYU CC prove it. The scary claustrophobic experience of a 2 hour MRI prove it.
The courteous staff and sensitive lymphoma specialist Andrew Zelenetz at Sloan Kettering Memorial prove it. The medi port implanted at Sloan prove it.
The date of my first chemotherapy drip R-CHOP prove it.
August 6, 2009
The courteous staff and sensitive lymphoma specialist Andrew Zelenetz at Sloan Kettering Memorial prove it. The medi port implanted at Sloan prove it.
The date of my first chemotherapy drip R-CHOP prove it.
August 6, 2009
7.23.2009
hello medi port
The surgery was perfectly uneventful.
The opener was a bit of an experience...kindof reminds me of a green day video.
After settling in my cubby, with my hospital gown on and laying on a bed. Still not knowing what to expect or where to go. A terrible orderly whooshed back the curtain to my cubicle then ran away ...then scurried back over near my mother and I. With him an elderly woman with a transporting some drip on wheels and an older guy in a wheel chair. All of us lined up for him in our hospital gowns and socks. The orderly whisked the wheelchair bound gentleman down the hallway so fast we all didn't know what happened. He then yelled... come this waaay...and sped down a long hallway. After a few minutes of walking I slowed down to wait for the elderly woman who looked more confused than the rest. The wife of the wheelchair guy walked briskly to keep up and I turned around to my mom who had a look I've recognized my entire life. She was pissed. We got to an elevator..where orderly waited for us and my mother said..."it would be nice if you walked slower". The orderly looked confused.... and said "oh well ...ok this way". Getting off the elevator he whisked the wheel chaired gentleman so fast I bellowed "wait up dude"..he turned around to me in complete confusion..he just didn't get it. No point in saying anything he was an idiot.
We finally arrived to our destination.. there were 5 chairs with 1 gowned gentleman and 2 family members sitting in them. I sat the elderly woman down and was standing in front of the family members like...uhm ..may I sit. Before long she got my subtle hint.She was kind and got up for me.
My turn was next to get the IV into my arm... the nurse was nervous and weird ..and didn't even look inside my elbow for a vein. Just in my hands which I think hurts way more. She pricked me twice in the hand.. then in the inside elbow... my mother was pacing, and crying ...flashbacks of my poor dad's arms being turned black n' blue from nurses who have a hard time with veins and putting in needles, I'm sure were racing in her head as she stood behind the nurse and waved her hands and paced the floor.
This was my first of this type of experience.. finally I said... "I'm not a pin cushion this is my body and I want you to stop and I want someone else to do this"..."I'm almost there..sorry for the problems..this will be fine" she said. I cried, I looked away..."she squeaked..I'll get someone else" I looked up with the jenlew death stare and said "it's about time". Nurse 2 was sweet and brilliant..had the needle in ..in a flash.
For nurse two it was like nothing.
It was the perfect reminder as to why I was surgically getting this plastic valve put into my body. Sweet nurse two, walked me to the surgical room, introduced me to my surgeon and wished me well. Now it's time to put in the mediport.
This is a port..mine is a lovely shade of purple.
The surgeon and her assistants couldn't have been sweeter or kinder. When my mom asked the surgeon if she had performed this surgery before..she looked at me and said.."have you seen Groundhogs Day" I laughed. My mom said ..what does that mean.. the surgeon said I do hundreds of these a month. It's the same surgery all the time I'm a professional. She was great. I got a slight drip from a whole bag of whatever the lovely twilight sedation is...and I was out. Couldn't feel a thing. After the surgery the surgeon mentioned that I didn't even need full sedation, I didn't feel a thing. I absolutely didn't it was awesome.
Before I knew it I was whisked away with two incisions and a big plastic lump over my right boob. Still in shock of the whole situation and still sleepy from the twilight... I went to a waiting area where the nurses were lovely and brought me juice and a sandwich and a ...nothing calms a Lew down faster than the offering of food. Mom was happy it was clean and comfortable and we had food.
All was fine. After a few hours we drove home.
Today..I chilled
The opener was a bit of an experience...kindof reminds me of a green day video.
After settling in my cubby, with my hospital gown on and laying on a bed. Still not knowing what to expect or where to go. A terrible orderly whooshed back the curtain to my cubicle then ran away ...then scurried back over near my mother and I. With him an elderly woman with a transporting some drip on wheels and an older guy in a wheel chair. All of us lined up for him in our hospital gowns and socks. The orderly whisked the wheelchair bound gentleman down the hallway so fast we all didn't know what happened. He then yelled... come this waaay...and sped down a long hallway. After a few minutes of walking I slowed down to wait for the elderly woman who looked more confused than the rest. The wife of the wheelchair guy walked briskly to keep up and I turned around to my mom who had a look I've recognized my entire life. She was pissed. We got to an elevator..where orderly waited for us and my mother said..."it would be nice if you walked slower". The orderly looked confused.... and said "oh well ...ok this way". Getting off the elevator he whisked the wheel chaired gentleman so fast I bellowed "wait up dude"..he turned around to me in complete confusion..he just didn't get it. No point in saying anything he was an idiot.
We finally arrived to our destination.. there were 5 chairs with 1 gowned gentleman and 2 family members sitting in them. I sat the elderly woman down and was standing in front of the family members like...uhm ..may I sit. Before long she got my subtle hint.She was kind and got up for me.
My turn was next to get the IV into my arm... the nurse was nervous and weird ..and didn't even look inside my elbow for a vein. Just in my hands which I think hurts way more. She pricked me twice in the hand.. then in the inside elbow... my mother was pacing, and crying ...flashbacks of my poor dad's arms being turned black n' blue from nurses who have a hard time with veins and putting in needles, I'm sure were racing in her head as she stood behind the nurse and waved her hands and paced the floor.
This was my first of this type of experience.. finally I said... "I'm not a pin cushion this is my body and I want you to stop and I want someone else to do this"..."I'm almost there..sorry for the problems..this will be fine" she said. I cried, I looked away..."she squeaked..I'll get someone else" I looked up with the jenlew death stare and said "it's about time". Nurse 2 was sweet and brilliant..had the needle in ..in a flash.
For nurse two it was like nothing.
It was the perfect reminder as to why I was surgically getting this plastic valve put into my body. Sweet nurse two, walked me to the surgical room, introduced me to my surgeon and wished me well. Now it's time to put in the mediport.
This is a port..mine is a lovely shade of purple.
The surgeon and her assistants couldn't have been sweeter or kinder. When my mom asked the surgeon if she had performed this surgery before..she looked at me and said.."have you seen Groundhogs Day" I laughed. My mom said ..what does that mean.. the surgeon said I do hundreds of these a month. It's the same surgery all the time I'm a professional. She was great. I got a slight drip from a whole bag of whatever the lovely twilight sedation is...and I was out. Couldn't feel a thing. After the surgery the surgeon mentioned that I didn't even need full sedation, I didn't feel a thing. I absolutely didn't it was awesome.
Before I knew it I was whisked away with two incisions and a big plastic lump over my right boob. Still in shock of the whole situation and still sleepy from the twilight... I went to a waiting area where the nurses were lovely and brought me juice and a sandwich and a ...nothing calms a Lew down faster than the offering of food. Mom was happy it was clean and comfortable and we had food.
All was fine. After a few hours we drove home.
Today..I chilled
7.17.2009
eeeeew i know what it is
follicular lymphoma grade 3b-ish stage 4
Met the new and improved Oncologist today. Andrew Zelenetz. Head of Lymphoma at Sloan Kettering. I'm in good hands.
No more freakin' NYU Cancer Center. These people are courteous and kind and answer the phone and call you back when they say they will. What a beautiful lucky change.
At first my insurance wasn't covered by Sloan, but by some miracle on July 1, 2009 they partnered. I am so relieved and happy.
Good things man... good things.
Met the new and improved Oncologist today. Andrew Zelenetz. Head of Lymphoma at Sloan Kettering. I'm in good hands.
No more freakin' NYU Cancer Center. These people are courteous and kind and answer the phone and call you back when they say they will. What a beautiful lucky change.
At first my insurance wasn't covered by Sloan, but by some miracle on July 1, 2009 they partnered. I am so relieved and happy.
Good things man... good things.
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