whats next?

I had hoped this next post would be a light and happy one. But sorry folks.
Phase 1: R-CHOP chemotherapy is over. I am relieved and thankful...that's good news.

However, I learned that contrary to what I was told on my 4th chemo visit... the 3 month reprieve from tests, scans and oncologist visits is now only 1 month.
Then Phase 2 will commence.

Which includes 3 options:

1. Watch n' Wait - a standard protocol of waiting to see when the shoe drops an we do nothing.

2. Rituximab maintenance: This single agent chemo is the new thing (since 1996) that is supposed to reduce, or halt for a time (5-7 years) following R-CHOP treatment. However, in most cases the cancer comes back, and may or may not be treated again. This would be given every 3 weeks for potentially the next 2 years.

3. Radioimmunotherapy = Zevalin: This is a one time, 2 course treatment that is a slightly radioactive anitbody. From what I've read this is a much newer (2004) option... so outcome does not seem to be known as well, trials prove very positive though.

It's all up to the Oncologist.

The next lovely news I heard before my final chemotherapy uncomfortableness was.. the hot flashes and night sweats are now not just reactions to the meds but I'm in full blown menapause. Not the best birthday present just a week before turning 42. I knew this was a possibility ...that the chemo would cause this to happen as a permanent side affect. I'm sure there's more to come in terms of inner destruction and ciaos that I should be prepared for... but learning the reality that I will definitely not be having children is a heavy heavy blow.

It is silly to think that at 42 the odds would be great, but I did have hope. Those hopes now being dashed have made me pretty sad. I don't regret my life's decisions or choices. They were right. I believe things are as they are meant to be ... I truly don't regret much as I sit here and reassess my life. But the cold reality that I had been given opportunity and chose another path for myself -- if I had known then ..what I know now. I wonder what choices I would have made. When this ball of cancer shit all began I thought about freezing some eggs..just in case. I didn't do it. That was a conscious choice.

I always knew that I wanted children from love, not from need or a want. I never had the desire to have kids from some selfish want.  I wanted to do it with a partner and raise a mighty fine person to do good and be something in the world. If I didn't have the foundation for that.. I didn't want the responsibility. Alas, that foundation has not been built for various reasons.. and now. I have cancer and the door is closed. I thought I'd be a good mom, I have always wanted kids. I just didn't want to do it because that's what you are supposed to do. I wanted to do it because it was right. Now knowing that there is the potential for me having a shorter life.. I like to look at it, that I made some good decisions without knowing why.

Who knows what's next. Phase 1 of this shit ass journey is over.
Dec. 23 the Oncologist will tell me all about phase 2.