It's been day's since I've found out that the chemo is working and killing those nasty little cancer cells. It's good news.. no doubt..very good news. I'm happy..happy doesn't even cover it.
So, I've been left wondering why I haven't hooped and hollered and blogged about this exciting turn of events. Even my mom, in her ever so insightful and subtle way asked me the other day "is there something wrong with the blogs?"
"Yes, mom the blogs are broken .. all of them and the internets". I said. In the lovely tone a forty one year old woman who still acts like she's 14 to the most supportive person in her life... should not muster.
What she meant to say is.."I haven't seen you post anything about your good news". And of course she was right.. it was weird I hadn't blogged about the good news. I'm open and blogging about everything else from poop to heart burn. So what's been the delay?!
It's taken me day's to realize.
I was resentful when the Oncologist told me "the chemo is working" and he reminded me that he thought there was a fantastic chance the chemo could work in the first place. Resentful because I've had a hard time associating all this shit pumped into my body (Chemo and Prednisone) and all it has done to my body, brain, and life for the past few months... as a good thing.
Or as my friends and family have to constantly remind me ..that this shit is MEDICINE it's helping me.
I resent the fact that it's not the cancer making me feel crappy ...it's the medicine. I didn't feel 'sick' before I was diagnosed?! I haven't felt proof that the cancer would kill me. How do I know for sure the lymphoma would kill me? No really? Is this just a ploy to keep my Oncologist in his Gucci loafers?
As I type this, I don't completely believe my own conspiracy theory hooey. But it's a thought that won't leave my head.
I've googled ..I know follicular lymphoma would cause my blood cells to not regenerate and ultimately my support system would break down...yada yada. But I can't help but wonder.. how long would I have.. and what kind of life would I live without this medicine that's making me feel so crappy today, making me miss important events, fun, work, life and potentially causing so much other destruction in the future.
I trust my oncologist... Why would there be a diagnosis and mental and physical pain without the best intent.. but ...There is a but. I can't help it. Lymphoma vs. Medicine. The waging battle in my mind.
Everyone say's this is a 'good cancer to get'. Even on the show Brothers & Sisters Kitty's Oncologist is optimistic but concerned. Kitty even opts for my same treatment..R-CHOP. If you know me, you know I love tv...so sadly, truthfully ...this is comforting.
Outlook is good... at a 50/50 success rate. It's all so confusing to go through this painful, uncomfortable journey without ever a crash, fall, emergency room...climactic cause..for all this effect.
So.. if the medicine is working and the cancer is diminishing it's all a good thing. I know this. I have two more treatments. 2 more months of hairless, jittery, fatigued, gut wrenching, sweaty misery. Then what.. I'm back to normal. All systems go. Clean yourself up, live and move on... forgetaboutit. That's what I've been saying. That's been the plan. Dust yourself off kid-o, this is just a blip on the radar of a long happy life.
I don't know what's in store over the years and I'm appreciating the fabulous care I'm getting from my well dressed, intelligent oncologist and settling into my confusion. So I'm happy.. no...joyful, ecstatic, giddy the chemo is working. I'm ready to move on face whatever comes or knock wood..doesn't come.
But believe me you ...cancer bitch. I'm hip to your wiley ways and if you so much as alter a node or decrease a hemoglobin count. I'm snapping out of this medicine is bad funk and kicking your ass with another round like Tony Montana in the last scene of Scarface.
Medicine. it's some Heavy Shit. But click your heels people this medicine is working.
.
4 comments:
In honor your blog, I will get up and do a cheer from my high school days
Here we go medicine, here we go! Here we go medicine, here we go! Yaaaaaaaaay Medicine! (clap, clap, big kick, herkie and then flirt with the football players)
Yay medicine!!!! and a damn fine blog entry! xo
My God, your writing impresses me to no end. Your words come straight from your heart/gut/soul. On Medicine ... The payoff: the long happy life you mention, but also the strength your experience is going to give to people with cancer who are not as strong as you, or don't have the ability to put their feelings into words. And hey, I just started watching Brothers & Sisters last week via Netflix; it's my new addiction. We must discuss. I love you.
This is your mom speaking. I've been going to jenlew.com daily (OK a few times each day) to see where your head is after Dr. Z gave us the news that so thrilled my heart. We are all so lucky that the stuff (you know my word) is working, or as Dr. Z says: "the disease is responding to the treatment."
1000 cheers, my love. You'll get through this fatigue and chemo brain and feeling shitty and be rid of the little buggers... twice more...and then Reprieve... remember, it was the name of a boat Daddy sailed. xoxo And let's hear it for the Doctor who saves lives and then goes out and raises 200 big ones and bikes TIT with his former patients.
Jen, I am so thrilled and excited for the great news. It's you strength that inspires me and I am sure everyone who reads you honest words. You are my most brave friend. You are strong, beautiful, beyond smart and loving and loved. I join the cheer of Yipee and Horay!!! Get that fucking cancer out and get ready for an even more fabulous life. You deserve it.xoxo Erika R.
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