a dark dark day (rated xxx for language)

social media could be a very communicative way of leaving clues behind without being trite and writing the tear stained note.
tips n' tools to leaving a suicide note -the social media way. by jen lew 

• a tweet:  RT @cobain  #suicide
  
• facebook status:   I <3 painkillers ... bye bye
  
• blog post: see ya losers
• As a sign post on farmville: harvest my pumpkins fuckers..i've hung myself
• delicious or digg: google wave..guess i'll miss it
• kirtsy: girl commits suicide the social media way

the fucking fucked up shitass motherfucking prednisone is the cause of this intense mood shift, or it's lack of sleep, or pain, or  eating poorly, or it's that i haven't gotten my period, or it's that i haven't had sex in forever or exercised... or ...or.

a friend told me a horrible story yesterday. the jist of the story is... someone had cancer and they shot themselves during chemo. i fucking get it. i don't plan on doing it. but jesus right now... i fucking get it..  i understand now in so many god damn ways how this fucking bullshit cancer motherfucker can fuck with your head. i have no intent on giving up. but i fucking get it.

i don't want a bunch of you idiots getting all worked up and thinking that i'm going to kill myself ..because i'm not. but the truth is.. at times over the past two days.. it's been enticing. enticing is a creepy word.. when referencing death. but you get my point.
yesterday i found myself asking Greg " wouldn't it be cool if you could get shot, live through it and then survive and be fine"? I was thinking about how shitty I feel. I thought it would be great to die for a little while. I also put a request to both Jenni and Kim to shoot me and get me out of my misery. They both declined.

But greg..being awesome.. said yes. No. I'm kidding...He turned my psychotic question into a conversation and we started talking about poor maryjo buttafuoco ..what a god damn story. That woman pulled herself up. Damn!  Greg without knowing it, made me feel better for the rest of the day. If maryjo could get shot in the face ...publicly humilliated by her piece of shit husband ..and live to walk tall and get re-married.. jesus i can go through this shit.

today, tonight.. i'm alone. i'm in bed. everything is just fucking miserable. i've been crying for most of the day. there's nothing anyone can do or say to make me feel better. i am a self loathing, angry, motherfucker.

I feel shitty. my eyes are jittery. there are these little flashes of light..like fireworks that shoot into my eyes. they used to only happen before a migraine. now they are fairly constant.  my eyes can't focus on anything. it literaly hurts to look at the computer screen but my head is wired..the fucking god damn prednisone. i'm wired and fatigued at the same time. i can't sit still and the light from the tv hurts so i don't know what the hell to do..so i'm banging away at this fucking keyboard trying to write down all this god damn fucking fucked up shit going through my head. i'm frightened by what i type..but yet i can't stop.

once again ..another night with the laptop on my lap in a dark room waiting for this shit to pass over me, so i can wake up, walk outside and pretend i'm ok with it all.

i'm sweating. the back of my neck is permanently moist.
the front of my brain hurts..like it's being squeezed.
my arms hurt
my fingers hurt
my teeth hurt
my legs hurt
my throat hurts. i sound like a strangled frog.
i can't keep my eyes open when I talk. it's like the two can't work at the same time.

i don't think i can do this again.  i don't understand how i can do this again. knowing how this is going to make me feel. how can i go into that god damn hospital let them inject me with all this shit. then take these stupid fucking pills for days. then come down off of all this shit. my body does not like it. some people might be able to handle it..but obviously i can't.

i'm getting pissed. angry. upset. frustrated. i can't imagine if i had to go through this and the oncologist said it wasn't working... how do people do it.

finally i understand the true word SURVIVOR. i didn't understand why I got a survivor t-shirt at the LTN walk. I thought to myself.. "i'm not a survivor.. i'm still in battle.. this war isn't over ..how could i be considered a survivor"?
today i realized it's not the battle of living, you are necessarily a survivor of. It's this gut wrenching, mind blowing, fucked up journey that i'm a survivor of. i'm surviving today.

i survived my first real break down today.. crying like a baby rocking myself to sleep. crying about everything. i took ambien in the middle of the day just to stop myself from crying.

most of all i'm crying about how in the fuck am i going to go through this two more times... and for god sakes.. is it really only 2 more times? i don't know. i hear from all these fucking stupid idiot people "i know so and so who's been in remission for 5 years.. 8 years ... 10 years" fucking great fuck wad. remission from what? what type of cancer did they have? what type of lymphoma?
i mean really.. how fucking dumb can you be to say.. "my friend had cancer... she's fine now.. so you will be too".
shut the fuck up ...idiot.

so.... remission. it lasts for a few years then what? you go through this shit again. jesus now that's a something to look forward to.

i know these feelings will pass. i know i'll feel better in a few days. i know i'll stop stuffing my face with food. i know i'll have sex again. i know i'll laugh, have fun, drink a jameson on the rocks, make plans and keep them, go someplace besides home, work, LLK and Sloan, I know someday soon I'll get dressed up and feel really, really good and have a great time. someday soon I'll need hair gel.

i can't wait to say... yeah.. cancer/chemo happened .. now I....
so i'm not going to kill myself idiots.. i just have no other god damn way of expressing how motherfucking awful i feel.