migraine's suck

Wasn't quite myself this morning, notable since the past few days I've been feeling normal. I was a little emotional because every time I run my finger through my hair I get a bunch of thin loose strands woven between my fingers. My hair is falling out. It's enough to stress out the toughest cancer patient.
I guess it's stressing me out.

I was at work this morning and thought there was something going on outside bothering my eyes. Maybe a shiny truck going by or new rims of a car reflecting the sunshine. I looked out and saw the usual few cars parked in the lot, trees and the train tracks. Nothing shiny blurring my vision and it was an overcast day with a bit of fog.

It wasn't something outside, it was my left eye ball causing all the commotion.
I could only see through half my eye, the other half white, like my peripheral vision was cut out. Then I cupped my eye with my hand, and saw the tell tale flashing trails of light.. like lightening before a harsh rain and thunder storm.

I covered both my eyes with my hands and tried to breathe.. in\out in/out .. saying to myself no migraine please don't come today. But it was too late...the migraine was well on its way. I promptly called my sister Alison to come pick me up and take me to the hospital. I wanted an Imitrex shot right away. I have to get a prescription.

Ali was on her way..the 12mins. from her house to my office. Angela, Jackie, Judy and her two grandson's who were in the office visiting. They were now all concerned... trying to make me feel better. Jackie made coffee. Angela gave me water and Tylenol. Judy walked me to the dark closet where I stayed standing (with Charlotte at my feet) until Ali showed up.

After breathing and crying in the closet, I emerged to a game plan. Ali was getting the car while Angela a Judy walked me down the back stairs with a hoodie wrapped around my head to block the light. I looked like I was being abducted. Ali drove me home. Fetched some Excedrin migraine, called the nurse in the Oncologist's office and I thankfully fell a sleep for a few hours.

My last migraine was in June, during a PET scan. One of the worst experiences of my life. Which considering recent events that's saying a hell of a lot. I lost vision and ability to speak clearly for that one..but breathed deep and somehow calmed myself down. The migraine didn't fully come.

I realize now I should blog about this later. The experience needs to be expelled from my memory like digging a hole and burying it. PET Scan's suck post..to come.

But since then, it's been a good 10 years since my last serious migraine. I was working at Centropolis Entertainment and it came on without much warning. The sensitivity to light and impaired vision was just a few minutes until full on headache. I was taken to the emergency room - got the shot of Imitrex and it did it's job. To me it feels like the shot explodes the pain into a million pieces. The bad part is the super sore head the next day.

Before that.. I got migraine's fairly often at least once a year. The very first was at about 7. I was playing outside with my cat Snowy on a sunny day. The pain rushed to my head so quick that by the time I went into the house to tell my parents. I had lost vision and I couldn't speak. Immediately my dad scooped me up put me in the car and we rushed to the emergency room. I remember the ER being packed with people, we had to wait a long time to be seen by a doctor. I could barely see and was talking gibberish when someone asked my mother if I was mentally challenged. It freaked my dad out so much that he somehow convinced a sympathetic nurse to get us in to see a doctor right a way. The doctors asked if I was given LCD or drugs because I was acting so weird. I remember my dad talking about this afterwards.. and him being really pissed that they didn't treat the migraine right away and assumed it was something else. I woke up in a hospital bed the next day with a girl roommate about the same age. She was in her bed talking to me before I was even awake. Hello. Hi. Who are you? What's your name? Where do you live? How old are you?
I could remember nothing. I couldn't answer her. It freaked me out..and I apologized to her for not knowing my name and not being able to answer her. It took me hours to get my memory back and my head hurt terribly. To this day I can't remember her name, but she was in the hospital because a few months previously she stuck a pencil up her nose and the eraser came off and got lodged up her nose. She hadn't told anyone that, but she couldn't breathe right. So she had surgery on her nose. They found the eraser during surgery and she thought it was all hilarious. I thought she was an idiot.
That. I remember.

Another memorable migraine was at about 15. I was by myself in the house when I felt the half vision start to go. I knew by then what that meant and panicked. I started searching my parents bathroom for some pills...I didn't know what I was looking for, but thank god my mother has always been a fan of labeling and sharpees. I found a prescription bottle with the word Migraine on it..and popped two pills and hours later my parents came home to a completely trashed bathroom and me sprawled on there bed passed out. I later found out it was percocet. I remember waking up to them being wide eyed and confused and telling them all groggy that it was a migraine. My dad held my hand and looked at me like he knew exactly how I felt and how scared I must have been. Sadly, dad's migraine's lasted longer and the headache always worse than mine ..my other symptoms always worse than his.

Now all I can think about is Sage, my 9 year old niece. She got her first migraine a few months a go. Her and my sister Sharon spent an afternoon and evening on their bathroom floor in the dark. Sharon texting me with the fear and concern my father had for us when we got the headaches from hell.

Now I'm feeling better. The sensitivity to light not nearly as bad as this morning but my head hurts like it's bruised from the inside. I'm willing my body to calm down and not fear the baldness so much...there's nothing I can do about it and as Ali say's it's a small price to pay to rid myself of the cancer.

Migraine's suck. Cancer sucks. Hair grows back.
Breathe.