i just don't know

i found out on friday that the lymph node thing taken out of my groin has lymphoma.
it's been two days and already my sisters and mother have been wonderful.

i don't know what type of lymphoma it is or how bad things are going to get.
i am in a cloud similar to how i felt as a teenager.. just really unsure and floating around in my head.


the thing about the lymphoma is.. i just looked up the symptoms.. i guess it's not being a hypochondriac when you are realizing symptoms AFTER you have been diagnosed.
A bunch of the symptoms i had in spades when the lymph node first appeared. Night sweats, constipation, severe itching .. they've simmered down except for the itching but now i have psoriasis which i'm convinced is all stress related.

not sure how i feel about a blog. not sure if i want anyone else to see it. but when dad died.. i was pissed there wasn't something he left behind other than fantastic memories, my big beefy hands and a load of shit in his shop. but really.. i wanted more. more information and answers to questions like.. "how the fuck did you feel when you were told you have cancer" hmmm pop... "how'd you really fucking feel"?
and why the hell didn't you inventory your own freaking shop so we knew what all your crap is?

i feel the need to organize everything...always have. That's nothing new, always wanted my things organized just in case i died in a car crash and my sisters had to go through my stuff. my mortality is now in question... i've got to organize my shit.

I have to start thinking about what makes me feel good.